“A”, “I” or “H” - What
Kind of Marriage Do You Have?
Marriage Type Assessment
Rate How Closely Each
Question Describes Your Marriage or Long-Term Relationship
1 (Not At All Like Us)
2 (Not Much Like Us) 3 (Somewhat Like Us) 4 (Very Much Like Us)
1. I often expect my spouse to pick me
up when I’m down and make me feel better, and I try to do the
same for him/her; otherwise I feel cheated.
2. My spouse and I are truly “one”; sometimes
I don’t know the difference between what he/she feels and what
I feel.
3. For fun, we sometimes
dress in the same color and style of shirts or other apparel
when we go out
together.
4. My spouse is fully responsible for
his/her own growth and development and the same goes for me; that’s
the purpose of our marriage.
5. My spouse and I have different friends
and each of us does many activities for fun that don’t include
the other.
6. My spouse is my only
source of love and comfort.
7. When my spouse and
I are together we complete each other.
8. I challenge my spouse to become greater
and deal with the uncomfortable personal issues he/she comes
up against, and I expect
the same from him/her.
9. If my spouse is away and something upsetting
happens, I won’t
handle it until I can speak with him/her.
Scoring:
Add the total of questions 1, 7, and 9:
A score of 8-12 indicates that you may have an “A” marriage,
one where you and your spouse are leaning on one another. The higher the score the
more likely you have this kind of marriage. An “A” marriage usually
works for a while, but it will probably cause problems later.
You will continue looking to the other person to give you what
you feel you lack and your expectations will cause disruptions
in your marriage.
Add the total of questions 2, 3 and 6: A score of 8-12 indicates
that you may have an “I” marriage, one where you and your
spouse are merged, perhaps becoming too close to each other. The
higher the score the more likely you have this kind of marriage. An “I” marriage may
become a problem because one or both of you will eventually feel
smothered and want to find your own way in life, without having
to take care of the other person.
Add the total of questions 4, 5, and 8: A
score of 8-12 indicates that you may have an “H” marriage,
one where you and your spouse are separate individuals, engaged
in your own growth and
development with the help of your spouse. The higher the score
the more likely you have this kind of marriage. An “H” marriage
has an excellent chance to last, assuming you stay lovingly connected.
Be careful not to make the “H” too wide; that kind of marriage
becomes too business-like and the love dissipates quickly.
A score of 7 in any of the three categories
of marriage (“A”, “I”, “H”)
indicates that you may exhibit some aspects of that type of marriage.
Questionnaire Copyright 2005 Men in Marriage
You can learn much more about “A”, “I” and “H” marriages in
Marty Friedman’s book, “Straight Talk for Men About Marriage—What
Men Need to Know About Marriage (And What Women Need to Know
About Men)”
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